I Don’t Even Know How to Respond to That!

Recall a time when someone made a racial comment to you that you couldn’t believe came out of his or her mouth. What was your reaction?  Did you “fight” by saying something defensive or accusatory to that person?  Did you “flight” by walking away or laughing?  Did you “freeze” and not say or do anything?  Or, were you in a state of mind where you were able to be “flexible” in your thinking and respond in a constructive way?  Often when we encounter something racially offensive we respond in a “fight”, “flight”, or “freeze” manner. Our brains aren’t prepared to respond in a different way. In this blog, I’ll be sharing some responses to put into a go-to bank for your brain to withdraw from when you encounter racially offensive comments and actions in the future. These ideas are by no means perfect responses nor are they appropriate responses for every situation. The real value comes from practicing constructive ways to respond to racially offensive comments and actions in a way that you are comfortable with so those responses become natural. It’s also critical to keep in mind that tone makes an incredible difference in the message that is being relayed. Practice responding without a sarcastic, accusatory, or demeaning tone.

Based on emails, interviews, and group discussions with hundreds of people across the United States, the Southern Poverty Law Center recommends some different ways to respond to racially offensive comments (SPLC, 2015). When a comment is made by a family member, they recommend posing a question such as, “Is what you said what our family stands for?” or by making a comment that connects to a family value such as, “I have always admired that our family values respect. It seems like that comment isn’t very respectful”. Another suggestion when addressing a comment that you might have tolerated or even went along with in the past is to say, “I know in the past we used to joke around about people in Race X. Now I realize that I wasn’t being respectful and that’s not who I am. So, I ask that you respect me by not making those comments or jokes anymore.”  If you are feeling tension with someone close to you because of things the other person is saying, you could respond by saying, “Your friendship is so important to me. When I hear you make comments about people from Race X it makes me want to distance myself from you, because that’s not what I believe.”  Sometimes it’s essential to set boundaries with someone by saying something like, “Those kinds of comments are not acceptable in our house. Please stop or I will ask you to leave.”  In some cases, people have never considered why they say what they say or why they repeat comments made by others. Asking something like “Will you tell me more about what that means to you?” can provide the opportunity for that person to think about what he or she said and how someone else perceives it after you share your understanding of the comment. There are also comments that are made out of ignorance. Responding with a question like, “What are you basing your comment on?” can open up an opportunity for you to share information about another race that the other person isn’t aware of. A tried and true response is the traditional “I statement.” That response sounds like, “I feel _______ when you say ____________.”

Although there are no perfect responses to racially offensive comments, there are responses we can prepare that will be more constructive versus destructive. When we are caught off guard we can say or do things we later wish we could take back. Take some time to practice constructive responses to racially offensive comments, even if they are different from those provided in this blog. Imagine how responding differently even once can make a difference!

Reference

Southern Poverty Law Center. (January 15, 2015).  Speak Up: Responding to Everyday Bigotry. Retrieved from:

https://www.splcenter.org/20150126/speak-responding-everyday-bigotry#everyday-bigotry.